Notes From A Foxhole Part 2
coconut sap (moderate amount) with lucuma and allspice
I am grateful for getting a ton of trash, recycling and goodwill loads out yesterday and today.
I am grateful for the surprise that my daughter is flunking math and that I have been helping her the past two days with math. I have missed feeling needed on this planet.
I am grateful she started learning with my help about fractions and that later she told me I rock.
I am grateful for holding her while she cried in frustration where she got stuck.
God/Goddess I did well today on several counts and I appreciate that I may not be a hopeless basket case after all. I know I know. I just actually really cannot see it sometimes. That's just honest. I'm not trying to affirm it, I just got sooooooo sooooo low. Talking to my first husband from years ago on the phone. I wish there was a miracle that could heal him after how he has abused his body so much for so long that he now has COPD ... and his other previous wife told me she is afraid he won't last through the winter. Please dear god help him heal. I thank you for the grace that I myself did not abuse my body that badly for that long but it still doesn't take away the bitter stinging tears of wanting him to live. I thank you for the dream where he vividly came to me the night before and for the bumblebee and the lady bug in the house just then. I thank you for my friends. And ask for the bumps in the road I sense intuitively with JK in SF be merely that. I have a difficult time following his suggestions for me as they seem so remote and nonsensical. Yet, I also see the truth in them: Yes, I do need intimate touch regularly. But I don't see myself doing that casually--yuck! So, commitment and communication ... then that means finding the right person locally ... after Mr Markgraf and how he completely took care of me and supported me body mind spirit as well as cared deeply and contributed to education and my professional development as well as my creative endeavors and community building efforts--after THAT person I'm not at all atracted to just giving myself over to someone who has NO immediate supportive gestures my way. Thank you for the ones who do and who stay in touch. Why Goddess are they all long distance? Portland is indeed among the most progressive of places and yet the community is still quite small ...
God grant me the serenity. If I can hear what the angels are saying, if I can hear what you are saying to me. If I can disconnect and be still long enough (from chatter online, from chatter of my mind) to listen and that you won't abandon me and give up on how long it takes me to accomplish the simplest of tasks, Master, Lord, I ask for time. Time with Richard before he dies. TIme and oxygen for his lungs. Please.
I only try to do what's healthy for me and how that serves the world. And now I know that I need time alone... yet if I go crazy of loneliness I also get nothing accomplished. Thank you I had my greens. Thank you I didn't overspend today. Thank you I have cleared all food out of the house and that I have accepted I have a disease and I cannot keep it in the house.