Saturday, February 28, 2009

Slip or Choice? Change Is Within My Power

Hi a.,

I've been trying things like the 12-steps also I'm hoping to buy Angela Stokes book Raw Emotions, it's supposed to have some really good stuff in it for getting off the hamster wheel ya know? :-)

Anyway, this morning I began with:
Smoothie of lettuce, an orange, a banana about 4 dates. It was awesome! Mildly detoxing, hydrating and energizing.

The rest of the day I went along with the crowd and then some.

Tonite I swear that tomorrow I will walk the road less traveled and stay on what I know works for my body and no emo eating! My mom bought me fruit and dates and has a good blender.

I'm really interested in how it comes about that each of us, rationally speaking, has a total and complete CHOICE over what we put in our mouths and at the same time many of us have no defense against a sudden impulse to "change the plan" and regrettably put some foodstuff into our mouths which we know from previous experience to a) not truly be satisfying anyway (so for example, one is too many and a thousand not enough) b) actually hurts our energy and vitality levels so there needs to be recovery time.

I choose what I put in my mouth, right?

Then, how odd that I would make one choice in the morning and by nightfall have done complete opposite.

Hmmmmm, are the pulls really that great? And what stuff are these pulls made of? Subtle insanity (as the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous pg 42 calls it).


It's so not funny but I just wanted to step back and look at it as an interesting phenomena for a moment.

I truly suffer and know many do as well, from continually falling off the wagon. "Falling" or would it be more accurate to say "jumping" off the wagon since it isn't a slip--if I take full responsibility for my actions. I didn't "slip" I CHOSE to eat harmful stuff.

Okay, so today I made choices. Tomorrow I have more.

My son, who is in the best shape of his life right now, took me to the gym and I worked out with weights, lunges/squats in a class for one hour. It felt absolutely challenging and great. He is taking me back twice tomorrow at least one jog down to the water. He told me no one wants to do the easiest thing there is to do--count calories, measure their food and then stay within their caloric needs for the day to either maintain or lose weight depending on what they need to do.

He made it sound so simple.

So, he says, it has to come from within me. It's nice to have support people on line but if I haven't truly made up my mind that this is what I want to do, then nothing changes.

I (emphasis on I) *I* gotta do it.

For things to change, I gotta change. For things to get better, I gotta get better.

That means--and from Julia Cameron's book "Write Yourself Right Size" (awesome) the Four Questions.

1.) Am I really hungry?
2) Is this what I want to eat?
3) Is this what I want to eat now?
4) Is there something I could eat instead?

(What a concept thank you Julia!!!)
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